Being a mother

There are days when I question why I write this blog, why I put myself through the stress of getting regular posts up each week, sitting at the computer until late, when really I'm too tired to write.  Making sure I find time to take photos to go with each post, scheduling, and planning, contacting people, worrying about maintaining the level of content.  I always tell myself that it is because it's my way of being creative, an outlet for that which, with hindsight, has always been a part of me.  But recently, I have come to realise that it is so much more than that, it is my way of feeling validated as a person, and not only as a mother.

With that realisation though, (actually, it wasn't a realisation, it was me being honest with myself), something else became clear.  I have been neglecting the being a mother part, perhaps neglecting is too strong a word, but I am not being the mother I wish to be.  Each night, I count down to the time both girls are in bed, so I can get on with the work that I have decided I need to do, no-one else, It's just me putting myself under that pressure.  I rush through the bedtime story, I don't cook like I used to when Elvia was young, I don't listen.  Instead, I'm worrying about the light going before I get time to take a photo, or the post I haven't started writing yet.

I love blogging, I love styling, taking photos, writing even, I never expected that.  But I love being a mother more, my girls are growing up at a rapid rate, and although I am with them most of the time, I am missing it, they will be all grown up before I know it, and I won't have seen it happen.  I don't want to give up blogging, I think it is important that I do something for myself, but I have decided to stop putting myself under so much pressure, I'm pretty certain that the only person who will notice if I miss a post from time to time is me anyway.  These two pictured here, the one that makes me proud every single minute for her kindness, her morals, her courage, her talent, and the other one, the whirlwind that tests me constantly with her 2 year old ego, yet gets away with far too much, because she is so darn cute, are what matters most.

This weekend, I stopped worrying about my little place on the internet, I made warm milk, I tickled Dottie, I played games with Elvia, I lay on the bed with her reading for half-an-hour before bed, I didn't worry about rushing to the laptop, and it felt good.

Have a good week.

Emma x