I've cried a lot lately; cried because of loss, cried because of pain, cried because I don't have the answers, but mostly I've cried because of fear. I'm scared so much of the time, having strange stuff happening to your body does that to you. I've turned in to a huge hypochondriac too for the same reason. The doctors might not have found anything yet, but I know that the way I feel isn't right, a person isn't supposed to feel like this. Of course, I keep all this to myself, it is bad enough feeling like a total burden to your family without mentioning that you think you have some life threatening illness every day.
But what I haven't been able to do is hide the tears from them too. I do a pretty good job at painting a smile on for the outside world, but not my family, which means I have been doing something I hate doing, and that's crying in front of my children. I'm not talking about crying in front of them in mourning, I think letting them see that kind of emotion is absolutely fine, crying occasionally for other reasons too, us parents are human too after all. And I think our kids seeing that is no bad thing, showing a bit of vulnerability from time to time, surely that can't do any harm.
But crying because of fear that's a different matter isn't it? Doesn't that just make them scared too? It's not Dottie really, she doesn't seem to notice, but Elvia is a different matter, it worries me so much. The impact it is having on her. I hide it when I can, but sometimes the tears just start to flow and she ends up comforting me, my nine year old daughter comforting me, that's the wrong way round, it's my job to comfort her.
I still cling on to the fact, that soon I will find the answers and it won't be like this forever, it's just a blip, and it will be forgotten. I hope so, not just so I can feel like a normal person again, but for her sake, my Elvia's, these aren't the memories I wanted to give her.